pwoperly-sherlocked:

archviles:

this makes me laugh every time without fail

THIS IS M YfAVourITE THIS on TISH StuPSID FUCKGI N SiTE

deadspy:

john cried during sherlock’s best man speech and i bet he didn’t shed a single tear while exchanging vows with mary but i guess we’ll never know since only one of those things was important enough to include in the show

generalbooty:

yeah so i slept with this dude last night and idk we were chatting a bit  during the sexy time and for some reason his birthday came up and i was like “wait 25th of september? DUDE me TOO, wtf thats such a coincidence” and he was like “really? we have the same birthday? are u fuckin with me?” and i just looked down at his penis literally inside my vagina and was like “well technically yeah” and he was like haha nice one and high fived me

ameliacarina:

how do you say ‘please talk to me more i crave your company’ to someone without sounding like a creep

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
FULL naked.
REAL naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

tonysassy:

can we just take a second to talk about robet’s chair? i’m laughing so hard i can’t
tonysassy:

can we just take a second to talk about robet’s chair? i’m laughing so hard i can’t

tonysassy:

can we just take a second to talk about robet’s chair? i’m laughing so hard i can’t

(Source: missdontcare-x)

monetizeyourcat:

boysinbarrettes:

monetizeyourcat:

Just found out there are two Bones in my shin, and two shins on my body. That’s four Bones. Fuck this shit

dude thats not even the worst of it. go look up what your ribs are made of

OK, i will, but I’m warning you if it’s bones I’m gonna be so pissed off

ermathursty:

Saw this tip jar at my Dairy Queen today and lost it at tipiosa.

sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels


This makes me happy

sir-ryan-lancelot:

officialfrenchtoast:

modern day rebels

This makes me happy

inoriaizawa:

in honor of Mean Girls’ 10th anniversary, here’s an incredibly subtle but completely extraordinary joke that you’ve probably never noticed from the movie (I saw it at least a dozen times before it dawned on me): Regina George started a rumor that Janis Ian was a lesbian in the 8th grade, but it wasn’t out of malice… it was because Janis told her that she was Lebanese

oh-so-pleasant:

how many hospital visits do you think st. mungo’s gets from people using engorgio spells on their dick

icarusthesupernaturalpig:

icarusthesupernaturalpig:

"Dean, watch. If I slide down this plastic tubing I can then shock people with my finger….Pull my finger Dean"

Guys, Tahmoh legs, he is going down too 

icarusthesupernaturalpig:

icarusthesupernaturalpig:

"Dean, watch. If I slide down this plastic tubing I can then shock people with my finger….Pull my finger Dean"

Guys, Tahmoh legs, he is going down too 

watdawut:

Me saving my grades at the end of a term

watdawut:

Me saving my grades at the end of a term